Day 130 // Re-discovering Creativity

I've always been a creative person. As I child I loved painting, singing, drawing, you name it. But as the years went on, I found myself continually stifled from self-criticism and a perfectionist mindset that nothing I create is good enough. Embarrassment of being judged and being self-conscious stopped me from experimenting with my creativity more.

Thailand gives you a completely new perspective on yourself. It's been such an encouraging adventure. The culture here is very careful about saving face and not making others feel uncomfortable or embarrassed, and it transcends into your mindset after a while. You gain a lot of self-confidence.

In my 4 and a half months here I have explored the depths of my creativity and found out what's been lying dormant all these years. I began drawing again, I started singing in public, I started taking pictures. And I am so happy I've been doing it. It shocks me I was so embarrassed to share any of that side of me for so long, and now I can't wait to draw another mandala or sing on Friday nights.

At first I found putting my art, photos, and singing up on social media as vain and self-centered, then as quickly as that thought came to me, I let it go. Why would I not want to express my joy and art? I want to share with my loved ones bits and pieces of my happiness, and no one should feel shame in doing so.

I've changed my mindset and have now been thinking, why not me? Someone will always be better than me, and someone always worse. But even thinking about comparison at all starts that tumultuous cycle of judgment before you even start. While those thoughts still come to me, I've gotten much better at enjoying creating for what it simply is and how much joy it brings me.



I've been given the opportunity to make a painting for a bar in Chiang Rai, I'm blessed to perform with a group of outrageously talented musicians every Friday, I've met other artists here exploring their creativity, and I even won first place for the CIEE Photo contest for school related photos!

So while this post has nothing to do with teaching really, it doesn't need to. Teaching abroad isn't all about teaching. I have this program to thank for rediscovering my love of art and music, and how I now feel that I am good at it as opposed to feeling ashamed.

If you are interested in any of my work, check out the website I made ! ----> www.ameliaskinner.com

And good luck to all those teachers out there getting ready to leave for your incredible adventure in October!

Day 95 // Over Half Way Done

If you haven't noticed yet, I like to count the days here. I seem to be constantly obsessing how many days/weeks I've been here, and how much more I have to go. But it doesn't come from a place of wanting this to be over. Perhaps it becomes a constant reminder to cherish every brief moment I have here while simultaneously coping with my ever present homesickness.

I only have 6 weeks left of teaching. It seems like just yesterday I was dropped off at the airport crying so hard I made my nose bleed. But strangely those first nights in Chiang Rai I spent in my room having panic attacks and seriously contemplating if I had the guts to do this trip feel a life time away. I have made a new home out of this crazy place and while things are still new and exciting, I am much more at ease and embracing it all.

In my 14 weeks here, I've already experienced a significant amount of personal growth. I've learned that in America, I would let stress and my anxiety get the best of me and prevent me from trying new things so I didn't feel uncomfortable. Well each day teaching, I still get butterflies in my stomach 5 minutes before class worrying if my lesson plan is stupid, or doesn't make sense, or if the class will be a total wreck.

Yup. And that's okay.

Having 16 classes a week makes that nervousness slowly diminish by the end of the week, but it's still there nonetheless. I also manage to deal with my stress in the only way possible when standing up in front of 24 students 16 hours a week, sweating more than humanly possible.

30 minutes left of class?! Uhhhhh

Before this trip I would have avoided any situation that would make me feel like this... but once you have to because it's...well... your job, it makes that feeling a little less uncomfortable. Without this experience I wouldn't have had the guts to start singing at the open mic every Friday in town. I wouldn't have started pursuing art the way I have been since I am often times so critical of my capabilities I stop before I even start.

As awkward as I get when I fail miserably at this whole teaching gig somedays, it's quite empowering at the end of the day. I just have to remind myself of this incredible opportunity and how proud I am of myself.

Anyone who says teaching in a foreign country is easy is either lying or is much better at controlling their emotions than I am. It's hard. Uprooting your life and making a new home in a place where pretty much everything is new and different and you don't speak the language is bound to be a challenge. But a challenge that will provide you with valuable life skills and perseverance. So any of you out there stressing about this, your emotions are totally valid, and it will be all worth it.

Day 55 // English Camp

At the beginning, English Camp started off as a weekend requirement at some unknown location where we had little information about any of the goings on. But welcome to Thailand. If you start teaching here and think you will be able to give me a set schedule of your week (let alone day), then you will quickly learn otherwise.

Mai pen rai is a phrase used quite often here, meaning "no worries" and from what I've understood the Thai way to say Hakuna Matata. It's the end all way to respond to any questions about schedule changes and often will make your punctual and uptight American self even more irritated because how can we possible not know every single fact about everything going on in this school all of the time? Am I asking too much?! 

In case it's not obvious, I'm still getting used to the nonchalant attitude towards making/keeping plans and rarely knowing what will happen in the next 24 hours. 

Pardon my rant. 

English Camp brought out a lot of my frustrations with the Thai style of planning. Even today classes were cancelled, yet some of the teachers are asking around if we still have class, or if it is just M1's and M4's. No body knows whats going on and I'm constantly just pretending it doesn't bother me. 

As terribly annoying as it is, it is a constant reminder that everything changes, particularly your permanent schedule. My mind is still adapting to acquiring a relaxed attitude about these things, but my stubborn ways are not budging. Every day is a lesson in patience and adjustment. 

English Camp turned out to be a wonderful weekend, even though it felt like going to school for the whole weekend. We had the students separate into groups and pick a fairy tale, then spend the weekend creating a skit, song, and poster as well as doing activities in English. 

I had the purple group, who chose Peter Pan as their fairy tale. Thankfully I brought my hat and a bag of scarves that the students happily used as costumes for the skit. 

Thanks purple team for making me smile all weekend.

Day 39 // A little less Hot, Humid, and Homesick

More than a month has passed since I left for Bangkok. It's hard to believe I've been teaching for four weeks. It feels like just yesterday I was curled up in a ball on my bed crying about how hard this all is.

But it's not really hard anymore. The storm has settled and things are proving to be more comfortable. 

It's still really freaking hot, but a tad cooler than the week I arrived. 90 degrees now feels like acceptable weather, since it's a cool relief in comparison to the 100+ and NO A/C ANYWHERE from the first couple weeks. I now know how much water to drink so I don't want to kill myself in the sticky, stagnate classrooms. And I've found a new community of people in Chiang Rai to spend time with.

Local Love
We explored Chiang Rai last weekend since our plans to go to Chiang Mai failed when we didn't buy our bus tickets soon enough. Friday night Rachael and I sought out a restaurant, Lung Eed, that apparently has the best Lop Gai (minced chicken) in the north. Halfway in to our meal, and older man came and chatted with us in broken English. The casual conversation turned into him grabbing a chair and sitting down, and he ordered another beer for us. Not a few moments later he grabbed my arm and told me "You remind me of my daughters!" And insisted that he buy our meal. We tried to politely tell him no, but he made sure he paid. He slammed down a shot of whiskey, walked away slightly toasted, and got in his car after saying goodbye multiple times. It was a moment of pure generosity and kindness, and we got a free meal out of it!

After we ate we wanted to find the Clock Tower and began walking. Our new friend from the restaurant drove past us and honked, then turned around and opened the doors to his car. We caught a ride to the Clock Tower and he let us out, calling us daughters again. Rachael and I found a bar that had a happy hour, but the two beautiful bartenders had no idea how to make anything. Definitely was looking more and more like one of those bars... This didn't stop Rachael and she actually went behind the bar with the short Thai ladies to grab the bottles from the back and show them how to make a Long Island Iced Tea. We enjoyed a few drinks and chatted with the bartenders, and they explained that they have only been working for a couple weeks. Of course...that's why they don't know what a Rum & Coke is...

We walked a few feet to the Peace Bar where we enjoyed live music and the company of other expats who all spoke English. I grabbed the number of the guitar player in hopes to sing with their band in the coming weeks. All of us drank beer in the rasta themed bar and exchanged stories of teaching and advice on traveling. Midnight crept upon us and the bar needed to close. The taxi company wouldn't send a car our way and a local older man, Add, offered to drive us home. He had been playing his guitar the whole night with such dedication he would up breaking a string. He grabbed his wounded guitar and took us home. The amount of love and gratitude the Thai's give is outstanding.

Feeling at home
The school is beginning to feel like a part of me as the days go by. On Wednesday night we walked around campus and ran into all of the students making these beautiful creations out of plants and flowers. They smiled and waved to us as we walked by, and explained they were making offerings to the teachers for tomorrow. Thursday was a teacher appreciation ceremony in which the students offer these beautiful flower creations to the teachers as a thank you and a representation of their knowledge and time in school.

Spending just an hour or so walking around and having them smile for my photos yelling HI TEACHA was one of the most gratifying moments I've had here. It feels so special to be a part of their lives.

Made from individual rose petals.

Dying the flowers.

A "snake"

Day 23 // A Forever Moment

Today Rachel and I had to scramble our things together after our last class and get our pictures taken in downtown Chiang Rai for our work permits that we learned (hours before) were due today. Perfect example of practicing patience in a culture where deadlines and time frames are not stressed. I repressed a groan of inconvenience when I was told this.

A science teacher drove us downtown and thankfully guided us through the process of getting official photos taken. Students packed the place and we waited in line. Serious photos of military professionals and the occasional glamour shot of a white man with his Thai wife (a very common sight in Thailand I've noticed) covered the walls. As we waited, the teacher grabbed some food for us, friend bananas and sweet potatoes. Yes, they were so good it almost made me emotional.

I quickly learned smiling in pictures is not a Thai thing to do, even though Thailand is called the Land of Smiles. Confusing. Of course I learn this after my photos were taken, where I gave them my best sorority girl smile I tried to perfect over the years of composite pictures (remember that time I was in a sorority??). I was told it's not polite to smile in pictures (wtf is polite and isn't?!). Oops.

After getting our pictures taken downtown, Rachel suggested we get dropped off to do our laundry. As much fun as doing laundry by hand is, I really don't enjoy dripping sweat and cleaning my clothes in our scary shower with the ants, mosquitos and visibly brown water. We meet a lady at a small shop and pay a little over $1 each to do a big load each, one at a time, in the one washer she had. She said it would take 3 hours, so Rachel and I walked to a restaurant down the road. We took our time eating, and I noticed the different attention I received because I was wearing my backpack (to put all my laundry in). I looked like such a good tourist roaming around my village in Chiang Rai. People were hollering and saying hello in English and waving. At the market, all the ladies came up to me and put their arm up to mine comparing their skin color to mine. They pointed at me and said "rice" (or white, I couldn't quite understand) and then pointed to themselves and said "black" and would giggle and squeeze my arm even harder. A swarm of other ladies came up to me talking in Thai and grabbing my arms some more, and the most I could understand was that they were calling my pale skin suay (beautiful). Only took 24 years, but I was finally getting positive attention for my pasty freckly skin. Score.

We made a trip to pick up Rachel's laundry and walked back to school to wait until mine is done. A monsoon was threatening in the black clouds above us and I smiled every time I heard thunder crack through the sky. We biked back to the small shop in the sprinkle of rain and waited the 15 minutes for my load to finish. I ask the lady what her name is (in my best Thai) and she replied, "Aoy." Her English was very impressive, and she helped us learn some new words in Thai. A man joined us and looked around the shop. He asked Rachel and I if we like beer. We said yes, but that we didn't want any. He grabbed 3 cans of Chang beer and bought them for us anyway.

The 4 of us spend the next hour drinking beer and learning new Thai phrases in the cool evening monsoon air. Rachel and I struggled to understand the 5 different ways to say maa. Because in one tone it's dog, another it's horse, and another it's come here. And they say English is hard...

We all smiled when we tried to imitate the correct words and failed miserably. I stood out in the rain occasionally, cherishing the sweet damp air reminiscent of the Pacific Northwest. The four of us laughed and learned from each other, and simply enjoyed the presence of one another and the sincerity of the moment. 

I talked with my boyfriend, Eric, about the amazing time I just had doing laundry at a simple shop in Chiang Rai and truly experiencing the culture as a local. I stated it was such a great Thai moment. Then he corrected me, it will be a forever moment.

Day 22 // Emma and Laila

I had the overwhelming pleasure of spending nearly 4 days with my bestest friend in the world, Emma Terry, and meeting her gypsy travel buddy Laila. These two women continued to surprise me over the short time we spent together with their generosity, radiant energy, and sheer joy they brought to every moment.

On monday evening they met me at my school with a "surprise" for me. They lugged heavy backpacks and bags onto my bed and revealed two gallons of "Arizona Desert" paint, brushes, and rollers. Knowing how dreary and sad my room is with it's pale blue serial killer walls covered with sticker remnants and dirt, they came to paint my room and give me a sacred space to live in. My whole soul just swelled with happiness and gratitude at this. How unbelievable kind and thoughtful these women are.

Before (::cue horror movie music::)

After. Radiant and filled with light!

I came home Tuesday afternoon to a clean room with warm colored walls greeting me and my two smiling sisters, showered and relaxing from a 2+ hour painting/decorating spree. I now have a shrine in the northeast corner of my room complete with rocks spray painted gold and my two elephant idols from my dear father and my good friend Emily Strichartz. 

I've never been one to think of the importance of having a "shrine," but being uprooted and moving so quickly to a new country really challenges your notions of feeling grounded and stable. A shrine of beautiful things, meaningful trinkets, or just a clean space that is important to you can provide an abundance of comfort. 

Amazing branch Laila suspended in the corner of my room to house all my jewelry.

Goddesses. Sending Love and Light to you two always. 

I tried to put into words how thankful I was for this gesture of love and kindness Emma and Laila did for me, but found myself being almost overbearing with how much I wanted to tell them "Thank you, thank you, thank you..."

The best way I can thank them is to pay it forward and practice this generous way of thinking. Harmony between people is radiant and bursting with life and love when we are genuinely kind and giving to each other. So thank you again, sisters. You two have given me a real home and a brand new set of intentions.

Day 21 // Holding Every Moment Sacred

This weekend in Chiang Rai marked a glorious reunion with two of my college friends, Max Honch and Emma Terry, and it could not have come at a better time.

Max Honch graduated alongside myself and has called Thailand home for the past two years teaching English in Chaing Mai. As he was planning the trip, I remember how envious I was of him when we would carpool together to our internship for a local newspaper in Tacoma. He left shortly after we graduated in May and this weekend was the first time I have seen him since. He wound up staying for an extra year to continue teaching before he moves to Bainbridge Island this August to pursue a Masters in Teaching.

Emma Terry, also known as my better half/sister/goddess/partner-in-crime/bestest friend in the world, left for India last August to become a real life gypsy and blow where the wind takes her. She landed in Auroville, India to learn organic farming, then fluttered off to Goa for a Tantric Yoga retreat, and now she stopped by Thailand to learn Thai Massage, finding many other magical places along the way.

Max arrived with his delightful girlfriend Sarah, and they both kept me laughing all night at dinner with their hilarious stories of teaching Thai students the past two years. Apparently I haven't seen a crazy group of kids until they try lighting the classroom on fire, seriously. Max, you have my utmost respect for handling that situation.

Max and Sarah both can speak, read, and write basic Thai. It's amazing what two years immersed in a new culture and some basic classes can get you, and apparently the language isn't as intimidating as I thought. I was overwhelmed by their skill and even more impressed when they ordered food for us that I have yet to try: Peanut curry, spicy mango salad, and stir fried morning glory. Oh my word, the food here can make any bad day into a good one.

Emma's arrival brought tears of joy to my eyes and I had a hard time believing I was embracing my closest sister in Thailand. 7,500 miles away from where we said goodbye 9 months ago. She arrived with her gypsy, wanderlust travel companion Laila, who's sea-foam green eyes and bejeweled auburn hair absolutely entranced me when I first met her. To call her stunning wouldn't do enough justice.

The 5 of us embarked on a whirlwind weekend, including my first motorbike riding experience, a successful search for a waterfall, the most delicious food I've yet to eat, and late nights enjoying the coup's curfew drinking beer on a kitschy rasta themed hostel deck.

Lunch on at Chiang Rai Beach

Max's tattoo: "Sticky Rice" in Thai ... with some sticky rice

Chiang Rai Beach Huts

Chiang Rai Beach Huts

Chiang Rai Beach Huts

The "Beach"

The trek to the waterfall 

Swimming with the local village kids

Reunited with my sister!!

So much happiness!

Obviously we needed to do cobra pose. 

Needless to say these people are incredibly inspiring and have brought me the pieces of home I was missing so dearly. Seeing the two of them and their counterparts helped ground me in so many ways, and reminded me how good travel and change are for your soul. If those depressing and soul crushing lows didn't happen, everyone would be out doing things like this with no second thought. But you get up again the next morning and look back on the person you were a couple days ago and see how much you've grown.

In one week I already feel like a completely different person from that girl sobbing into her pillow curled up in bed thinking I made a huge mistake because everything was so "uncomfortable." It's almost comical to look back on how badly I was freaking out my first night here. Now I'm training my brain to be filled with encouraging positive thoughts and remembering to live in the present space. I've made it my mission to do one thing every day for me to nourish my mind and my spirit. From yoga to meditation or just an extra long shower, I will spend time engaging in an activity and fully experiencing it. I will honor the present moment instead of obsessing on how many days I have left. Because when this experiences is all over, I can never get it back again.