Sometimes the cosmos feels like it's spinning out of order, and every action and breath feels off kilter. I can't help but feel very alone in these moments, sometimes with the thought that I am the only one feeling like I'm not following the path I'm meant to be on. Instead, I am sitting around wasting my time until that sparkly magical thing far off in the distance comes closer and is my shining star I get to brag about (cough cough Thailand). But once that comes and goes, I'll just be waiting for that new shimmering thing in future to brag about and make me feel like I'm worth something. As of now, spending hours a day in my tiny apartment watching re-runs of New Girl and complaining I'm not "doing anything" is getting really annoying. I'm getting tired of hearing myself complain in my head. It's to that point.
I guess where I am coming from is a place of critical, but much needed, self analysis. My self esteem needs a pick me up, mainly because I find myself ridden with guilt and self hate when I can't please someone or myself, but am intentionally doing so anyways.
With an inspiring chat with an amazing life coach, I came to a lot of self realization. I tend to heavily feel what other people are feeling, to the point where it consumes my emotions and all of my energy. Then when those feelings pass, I am on a selfish rampage of indulging to get in touch with my feelings, but they tend to be needy and childish and don't truly better my spirit.
With this new awareness will come some much needed change. Live a life you are in love with, my friend tells me. Make everyday filled with passionate moments, not passive ones. Simple things from drawing to meditating to singing to going on a walk. Fill these precious moments with your undivided attention, and that total presence will help feed the soul.